B-MAr

BLAHG

Dumb as Fuck Snow Shenanigans.

Hello,hello everyone.Today I got to sleep in,but only for a few hours.That kinda sucked,but not as much as having to shovel a foot of snow off of the sidewalk with a plastic shovel.What should have taken about twenty minutes morphed into an hour and a half dumb fuck snow shenanigans.

My brother and I attempted to get all of the snow off the sidewalk in our back yard which wasn't a big deal.It need to be done so my dog could pee in an area that wouldn't swallow him beneath the icy depths of the backyard snow.We got that cleared away and started to remove the snow from the sidewalk and the little driveway that leads to the garage.The sidewalk snow wasn't bad, but the driveway snow was so thick that my mom couldn't get her car out of the garage to go to work.

We get the sidewalk pretty much cleared from the backdoor to the garage and then attempt to get the snow from the driveway.It's so thick that we get a lot cleared away only to discover that there is about another four or five inches of snow beneath that.My mom suggests that we walk down to my dads house to pick up his snow blower.Thinking this would be easy and quick we start to head down that way.I throw a big chunk of snow at Keegan who in turn gets pissed and starts chasing me through the thick mounds of snow that we have yet to clear.He catches up with me and I trip and fall into the snow.I hit at an angle that gets me good and stuck in the snow.As I tried to push myself up I slowly sink in even more as the snow gets packed down beneath my hands.

Keegan laughs and refuses to believe that I am really stuck in the snow.I keep asking him to help because the snow on my leg is freezing and starting to hurt pretty bad. As he walks across the street he loses the bottom of his boot.They were pretty old and were falling apart so I guess it was his karmic bitch slap for laughing at me as I sank deeper into the snow.

We eventually make it down to my dads and dig out the snow blower from the garage.It takes us about ten minutes to get it two blocks away to my house.The roads were so caked with snow that each pull of the snow blower would catch more snow beneath it and drag it down.I am starting to get irritated because A.) I hate winter and B.) My legs and feet are freezing on account of all the wet snow on my pants and shoes.

We get the thing home and finally clear off the driveway enough to get the car out.It takes us another ten to fifteen minutes to clear it and the rest of the sidewalk.Now I am worn out and I will probably nap and watch movies the rest of the day.First the room needs a good cleaning and then it is time for the wonderful world of Mr. Quentin Tarantino.

If you made it through this blog about snow then congratulations,you have less of a life than I do.Well goodbye children.

-Your Loving Uncle Daniel.

We All Go To Alaska When We Die

Another story I wrote for class.I don't like it very much, but it is okay.

We All Go To Alaska When We Die
Daniel Gauer

Blake sat on the bright yellow park bench with his camera in hand. He had been waiting there for sometime before she showed up. He watched her slowly walk away with her Yorkshire terrier leading the way at brisk pace. He had been watching her for weeks. He wasn’t doing it in a creepy or obsessive way. He frequented the park and she caught his eye. He didn’t know her name. He just knew that she walked her dog everyday at three. He thought she was beautiful and wanted to say something to her. Blake was shy though and didn’t know the proper way to introduce himself. He hoped that she would make some sort of attempt to make contact with him, but as far as he knew he was nonexistent to her.
Blake got up from the sunny bench and sat on the rim of the elaborate fountain across from it. He listened to it as water rushed out of the spout and was redistributed back into the basin. He stared off into the distance at the trees that had just started blossoming with pink and gold and lavender colored flowers. He lifted the camera up to his eye and snapped a picture of the cherry blossom tree closest to him. He continued to think about the girl. He though of how her brown hair glistened in the sunlight as she walked that tiny dog through the park. Blake questioned himself as to why he didn’t do anything. It was probably because he had been burned so many times before.
The last girl he dated was a zoo keeper named Julia. She was sweet and funny, but she was also sweet and funny to several other guys. He also had a problem with her smelling like an ocelot pin every time they went out, but that was neither here nor there. He was afraid to make a fool of himself by dating another Julia. Blake walked around the park thinking about how he could approach her without “A” making himself look like a creep and “B” seeming like a shy loser. He pondered this for awhile and eventually settled on not doing anything at all. He could never bring himself to walk up to a complete stranger and ask her out on a date point blank. He got bored at the park so he ended up going to his apartment where he thought about the girl the rest of the night.
Blake went back to the park the next day to take some pictures of the trees again. The photos he took the day before had come out bad and he wanted to retake some of them. The girl that had filled his dreams for the past few weeks briskly walked by him as he was taking a photo. She had managed to get in the picture just as he was taking it. She stopped as soon as she realized what she had just done. “I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to walk in front of you. My head has been in the clouds all day.”
Blake was excited although he tried not to show it on his face. He had an in with the girl of his dreams. “It’s alright,” said Blake as his throat slowly dried up, “it was an accident. No harm done. My name is Blake by the way.”
Blake stretched his hand out to shake hers. “My name’s Naomi,” she said grasping his hand quickly. His stomach started doing a copious amount of back flips inside him. He was in a perfect situation and now had the chance to ask this girl out on a date. He was so unsure about himself as to whether he should say anything to her. He knew nothing about Naomi. What if she had a boyfriend or what if she was training to be a nun and was forced to take a vow of chastity so as to become a “bride of Christ”? He was pretty sure that was not the case, but he was still extremely nervous. She started to make conversation and he was trying to be engaging and charming. He talked to her for a few minutes and knew he was in love. She seemed sweet and friendly but he had to be sure that she wasn’t going to turn out like the last one. He decided he would follow her home.
Blake realized that this could and probably would be considered stalking, but he had to know about the wonderful girl whose hair glistened in the sunlight. Naomi walked into an apartment building a few blocks away from his. She went up the stairs to apartment 333 on the third floor. Blake climbed the fire escape so he could find Naomi’s window. He managed to find it quickly and looked inside. The walls were decorated in bright colors and covered in posters from all of his favorite movies. She had a CD collection that was bigger than his and she had a brand new Cannon camera laying on her table and a stack of photos that she had taken. He felt like he had met his soul mate.
Blake saw her again later that week and got up the courage to ask her out on a date. She accepted and they planned to meet at the park for a picnic. Naomi brought the sandwiches and Blake grabbed the drinks. They had a great time and eventually started going out soon after that. Blake was extremely happy and didn’t know why he was so nervous about asking Naomi out. She was perfect and they slowly fell in love with each other. They got married and lived happily ever after… that is if Blake had actually said anything to her. In actuality when Blake reached his hand out to introduce himself he got so nervous that he passed out and hit his head so hard it put him in a coma. Naomi had been terrified by the situation and called an ambulance. Blake woke up from the coma very disappointed like he had just read a story that had no real way to end it.

The Adventures of David Bowie and Major Tom the Adorable Fox

This is another short story I did for the same creative writing class.It was supposed to be a fable, but it morphed into this weird story about David Bowie and a fox.Please to enjoy.




The Adventures of David Bowie and Major Tom the Adorable Fox
By Daniel Gauer (as told to him by David Bowie*)
*Not Really

One day David Bowie was walking through the forest. He was on his Ziggy Stardust tour when he stumbled upon an adorable fox. He looked at the fox and said, “Hello my name is David Bowie. I am a funky rock star. What is your name Mr. Fox?”
The fox gave David Bowie a strange look and then said, “My name is Major Tom.”
David Bowie looked surprised that the fox had actually responded. He assumed that the fox couldn’t talk, but he was pleasantly surprised when it did. David Bowie thought he would use the fox to his advantage. He decided to take the fox to his tour bus. Major Tom was excited. He had never been on an official rock icons tour bus. There was a brief period when Major Tom had hung out with Gary Glitter, but he felt like David Bowie was more influential in the long run.
David Bowie took Major Tom on tour with him. They traveled all across Europe and Asia and even parts of Canada. Major Tom was excited to visit all of the interesting countries. He especially liked Canada for their tasty maple syrup and hockey. Major Tom was living a good life. He really liked David Bowie, but he did have a problem with him. During his stage shows, David Bowie would bring Major Tom out on stage to help him perform “Space Oddity.” The fox frequently messed up the lyrics he read off of sheet of paper. This would not have been a problem if Major Tom could read. Although he was a fox who had been given the power of speech, he could not read and had a terrible memory for things like songs.
David Bowie would give Major Tom the lyrics every night and try to teach him how to read. David Bowie was a terrible teacher though and couldn’t figure out how to teach Major Tom to read. David Bowie would look at him and say things like, “You need to make some ch-ch-changes in the way you learn. I can’t teach you how to read Major Tom. Maybe you should call a jean genie to grant you the wish of literacy. I am tired of teaching you because you are nothing, but a stupid fox.”
Major Tom was quite upset with David Bowie after that. He hated the way David Bowie treated him. It wasn’t his fault that he couldn’t read. Just because he was a fox with the power of speech didn’t automatically give him the ability to read. David Bowie continued to mistreat Major Tom. Major Tom decided to show David Bowie how he felt. The fox came up with a plan to teach David Bowie a lesson. He would write a song in his native fox language, which was hard to understand for those who couldn’t speak it, and then make David Bowie sing it. When David Bowie couldn’t read it, Major Tom would yell at him and cause David Bowie to realize how he felt.
Major Tom set out to work writing a song about things that a fox likes. He wrote about eating rabbits and living in holes and listening to NPR. Major Tom finished the song and went to David Bowie with it. David Bowie took a look at the paper and said, “What is this funky mess you have scribbled on this paper?”
Major Tom looked David Bowie straight in the eye and said, “Why this is a song I have written in my native fox tongue. I can teach you how to read it so you can learn it. It will be a great hit if you record it. You will make so much money you won’t know what to do with it.”
David Bowie was intrigued. He was not sure if Major Tom was telling the truth though because the paper looked like it was just scribbled on with a pencil and covered in spit and bite marks. David Bowie decided to give Major Tom the benefit of the doubt. He would let Major Tom teach him how to read fox. Major Tom was excited how well his plan was going. Pretty soon David Bowie would learn what it felt like to be mocked for not being able to read.
David Bowie sat down with Major Tom on his tour bus and began his lesson. David Bowie had a hard time reading what Major Tom had written. Frankly it was just a bunch of illegible squiggles, but Major Tom made David Bowie sit on the bus until he mastered the words. David Bowie couldn’t do it. “I’m sorry man; I just can’t read this freaky writing. Can foxes even use pencils?” David Bowie asked with a look of puzzlement and frustration on his face. Major Tom looked up at David Bowie and started to yell. David Bowie got very upset and started to cry.
“Now you know how I feel every time you yell at me for not being able to read your stupid words,” said Major Tom.
“I am so sorry Major Tom. I should have treated you the way I would like to be treated. That was very unfunky of me and I apologize,” David Bowie said in a meaningful voice. Major Tom accepted his apology and they remained friends for the rest of their lives. Major Tom didn’t tour with David Bowie after that night. He went on to perform with Parliament Funkadelic and became best friends with Bootsy Collins and George Clinton.
David Bowie learned an important lesson from Major Tom that day and from then on has been a wonderfully kind man. Major Tom showed him that we all need to treat each other with respect. Major Tom also showed him that foxes can’t use pencils, but that message was slightly less important.
THE END.

Jack Killed Mom

This is a short story I did for my creative writing class.It was based on a song by Jenny Lewis called "Jack Killed Mom".I was actually really proud of it so I thought I would share with the world.Hope you like it.

Jack Killed Mom

Daniel Gauer

I was eight when Jack was born. Momma wasn’t ready to have another baby, and quite frankly no one else thought she should ever have had children in the first place. Momma was a little unstable and had lots of problems so she really didn’t need to take care of someone else. She never wanted me, but she wanted Jack even less. He was named after his daddy, a carnival worker with a glass eye named Jack Powell, his friends called him Glass Eyed Jack. Momma met him one night when the carnival was in town and they shared a little bit of time together. The next day momma woke up in a hotel room and realized that the carnival had left town. Glass Eyed Jack had wandered off into the night never to be seen again. Momma was in a real bad way after that ‘cause she knew that man wouldn’t come back. Eight months later Jack was born and momma went off the deep end.

Momma let me take care of Jack. Like most eight year old girls who are left in charge to raise their baby brother while their momma is out “scorin’ them a new daddy,” I was ill equipped. Jack was a handful. He always needed changin’ and feedin’ and whatnot. I didn’t know what to do with him most of the time. I would just hold him and make sure he was alright, but never once looked after him. She would give me a whippin’ if I did something wrong with Jack. Momma was scary sometimes.

I continued watching Jack for a long, long time. When Jack wanted momma to do something for him she would scream, “Jenny get your ass in here and help your brother.” I did the best I could for him, but I was still little myself. Jack was a sweet boy and wanted momma to do things for him and wanted her to love him just as much as he loved her. He didn’t understand why she was the way she was, but he still loved that woman wholeheartedly. When he would ask me why momma didn’t like him I would say, “She does like you Jackie Boy, but she don’t know how to show it.”

Momma was mean most of the time, but she got real bad when Jack was about five. If he would do somethin’ he wasn’t supposed to or break somethin’ momma would give him a real hard whippin’. She would say that he had problems and that she needed to take care of what was ailin’ him. Jack would cry and come to me. I would console him as best as I could, but I couldn’t stop momma from whippin’ him. I was tired of her treatin’ us bad. We tried real hard to do good at things. I worked real hard in school and got pretty good grades. I had a little trouble in math and momma would yell at me for it. Jack tried to get momma to show him some affection and treat him right, but she never did. I had grown to accept the fact that momma would never be a good person. Some folks just ain’t. It took a toll on Jack though on account of he didn’t know any better and couldn’t understand why momma didn’t love him back. I always wondered if Jack was wrong ‘cause he loved mom.

Jack started goin’ to school when he was six. He wanted to make momma happy so he would try real hard at school. He was a real good reader. In kindergarten he could read at a first grade level. He was proud of himself and I was proud of him too, but when he told momma about it she said he was bein’ rude and interrupting “The Wheel.” Jack was crushed. After that night things started goin’ bad for Jack. He stopped worryin’ about school and started sleepin’ in class. The only motivation Jack had in life was for momma to be proud of him and love him, and after she shot him down he finally lost most of that.

I would try to talk to Jack. I wanted to make him feel better. I told him it was okay if he didn’t love momma no more. I hadn’t for the longest time and I was doin’ just fine. Jack looked at me like I was some kind of fool and at the top of his voice he shouted, “Why don’t you love my momma! She’s a good momma! She just does mean stuff sometimes to make me learn! You don’t tell me what to do Jenny, you ain’t my momma!”

I didn’t know what to say. Jack had never been like that. He was always so sweet and lovin’ and now he was a monster. It scared me how fast he snapped. Jack got nasty with me a lot after that. Everything I did was wrong and stupid. If I would try to help him with something he would tell me he could do it himself. He got mean at school too. He would start fights in the school yard and after school he would hunt down kids to beat ‘em up. His teacher got concerned and called momma to come in for one of them parent teacher conferences.

Momma took me and Jack to the school one night for Jackie Boy’s conference. We walked in and sat down at the main office. They sent us to room 333 where Jack’s teacher Mr. Warren was. He was a good lookin’ man with real shiny teeth and nice hair. He wore a tie and a bright blue shirt. Momma saw him and started makin’ eyes at him. They sat down and Mr. Warren started talkin’ about all the bad things Jack had done. He said Jack had slept in class a lot and that he would say mean things to the other kids. He would push kids down and he even killed the class hamster by feedin’ it rubber cement. Momma should have been mad, but she just kept sayin’ flirty things and makin’ her cleavage slightly more noticeable. I was horrified by her and what Jack had done. I didn’t realize how bad he had gotten.

Later that night after Jackie had gone to sleep. Momma went out to the bar like she did every night. I stayed up late and watched some talk show hosted by that guy with the big puffy hair. Momma came back at about two in the morning with Mr. Warren. I was surprised and I got a little shocked when she started kissin’ on him and made me go up stairs. Jack woke up ‘cause of all the noise and saw momma kissin’ his teacher on the couch in the livin’ room. Jack saw red and went nuts. He started screamin’ and yelin’ and carryin’ on. Momma started doin’ the same thing. Mr. Warren crept outta the front door durin’ all of the commotion. I don’t blame him; I wouldn’t want to be in his situation either. Jack carried on the next few days. He was so mad at his teacher that he refused to go to school. He kept sayin’, “I’ma cut that man in half.”

Jack finally made it back to school. He was there an hour before he did anything. His teacher handed him a paper and Jackie Boy jumped up at him and stabbed him in the belly with his pencil. Mr. Warren put out a restraining order on Jack and he wasn’t allowed back at school. Momma decided for some reason that she was gonna home school Jack. I was confused, that’s like momma hostin’ an A.A meetin’, it just didn’t make sense.

Momma taught him stuff that she felt was important for a growin’ boy. She told him about ancient times and bible times and all the other times she knew nothing about. Momma didn’t have much schoolin’ so she was giving Jack a bunch of wrong information that Jack knew was wrong on account of he had already learnt it in school. Anytime he told momma different she would up and slap him across the face. Jack was wearin’ thin and was getting’ tired of the whippin’s and slaps and all that nonsense. I was afraid for little Jackie Boy, but there was nothin’ I could do ‘cept be there for him and he didn’t even want that.

Jack and mom kept workin’ on his schoolin’ for a little while. Jack was about twelve at this point and I was getting’ ready to move out of that mess of a place. Jack was still upset with mom and still kept takin’ all of her abuse. He still loved momma though even if she was an abusive maniac. She still thought that there was something wrong with the boy and I was startin’ to think she may be right, but not ‘cause he was born like that, but ‘cause she made him that way.

Jack was turnin’ into a young man and he was turnin’ into a scary one. He was always muttering to himself how he was gonna make momma love him. One day momma was working with Jack and getting real frustrated, which was no surprise ‘cause frustrated was here permanent mood. She was yellin’ at Jackie Boy ‘cause he couldn’t do some sort of math problem that she gave him. I don’t think she really knew what she was doin’, but she would get so mad at Jack when he couldn’t do his work. I don’t think she would have known any of the answers if she didn’t have ‘em in a book in front of her, but she expected Jack to get it right the first try. She had gotten so upset with him that she gave him a big smack on the cheek that left a purple and black bruise in the shape of a hand as soon as she removed her hand. Jack instantly started cryin’. Momma said, “I ain’t dealin’ with any more of yer shit today Jack. I’m gonna go take a nap and when I get up you better have all them questions answered on that paper or yer gonna get even worse than that.”

Jack came runnin’ into my room and was still cryin’. I was shocked to see him in here. He hadn’t wanted anything to do with me for the longest time. I grabbed him and held him close as soon as I seen the bruise on his face. I asked him what happened and he told me all the things momma had said to him and why she hit him. He was a mess. He had a scary look in his eye like he was gonna do somethin’ real bad. I told Jack that I loved him and wanted him to come live with me when I moved out. I didn’t want him anywhere near momma. I knew more of the same would happen and then there would be no one to protect him. He didn’t seem to calm down any. He was still a big ball of rage. Jack slowly walked out of my room without sayin’ a word.

He walked down the stairs and into the kitchen. He grabbed a bottle of whiskey off the counter and broke the bottle on the table. Glass shattered everywhere and the smell of Jim Beam filtered throughout the house. He took one of the many causes of momma’s abuse and went into her bedroom. I walked down the steps to see Jack go into her room with a look of evil on his face. He shut the door and I ran to it ‘cause I knew what Jack was gonna do. I busted the door open to hear momma screamin’ in pain and Jack sittin’ on the floor with the broken bottle in his hands and blood all over him.

I ran to momma first to see how bad she was. She was bleedin’ a lot and screamin’ so loud it was hard to concentrate on what had just happened. I was so shocked by what Jack had done that I threw up. I caught my breath and tried to figure out what to do. I got Jack out of the room and took the bottle away from him. He was in a state of shock and just went quiet. I called the ambulance and they sent some people out. They got to the house and went into momma’s room where she had been screamin’ for a good twenty minutes. They came out after a few minutes and told me they lost her. They also told me that the cops were on their way to see what had happened.

Jack started cryin’ as soon as he seen momma bein’ taken out in a body bag. He run up to her and started shoutin’, “I love you momma! Don’t go! I’m sorry momma! I didn’t mean to do it!”

I grabbed him and held him in my arms. The cops showed up and I told them everything that had happened while Jackie Boy kept on cryin’ in my arms. They took Jack away and talked to him about why he done what he did. He said he just wanted his momma to love him and that he wasn’t sure what he did. He blocked the whole incident out of his memory and doesn’t remember what he did.

They sent Jack to a juvenile center upstate. I would visit him when I could. I always sat there askin’ him if he knew why he was in there and he would say no. He would ask where momma was and when she was gonna come visit him. I told him that she wouldn’t be comin’ and he would get upset.

I was sad that it had ended that way. Jack was just lookin’ to be loved by his momma and instead ended up killin’ her ‘cause of it. When I would sit with Jack I always had a voice in my head askin’ me, “Was Jack wrong ‘cause he killed mom?”