The Riverdal Gang Sucks

So I was at the book store the other day scanning the comic rack.All of the familiar faces of childhood stared back up at me. The Hulk wanted to smash and Superman was being...super, but one thing caught my eye. Archie comics are still being sold.What the hell dude?How is this even possible.Obviously someone still reads them, but who? I can't think of one person who actually wants to read these.It's not like people are sitting there thinking,"Hey what is the Riverdale Gang doing this month?I wonder if Archie will pick Betty or Veronica.Jughead is still wearing that crown for no apparent reason, this seems intriguing."
No one wants to read this.Why can't the peeps at Archie comics understand that? They have to be losing a ton of cash.They have other titles that they can sell like Sabrina the Teenage Witch and Sonic the Hedgehog, but even those suck.i get that people are nostalgic for the good old days,but there are no more malt shops and the amount of food Jughead eats should have given him coronary heart failure by now.earn a lesson Archie comics, no one wants your merch any more.I am deeply sorry but it is just too lame and sad to sell to the youth of today.


Here is something for you to enjoy and be confused by.

Blood Monsters

Hello everyone who reads this...all four of you. Things have happened recently so let's catch up.

First I had a horrible experience giving my blood about two weeks ago. I go to donate and get strapped into the chair. They put the needle in and shit is going pretty smooth. Then all of a sudden, there is a beep. My blood has stopped flowing from my veins. They move the needle around under my skin,which was horrifying. The blood started flowing again and the BEEEEP! It stopped again. They bring a guy over who is clearly a specialist in this situation seeing as how he did nothing but shove the needle into my arm even farther up and higher. It hurt so much. Blood once again resumes draining from my arm and then that damn beep starts up again. I'm told that my blood is clotting in my veins and that they can't use what they took from me because they need all the coagulants my body can muster. So in arm pain and feeling slightly perturbed I go to get my free blood cookies and juice after I receive the much coveted Indiana Blood Center hat that doesn't fit me. I watch as Caitlin gives blood and slowly slips in and out of consciousness as a large woman she referred to as Bubby drains her of her fluids and tries to keep her awake.

it was a harrowing experiences for me and the Mrs. but we pulled through. I was assured that nothing like this would happen again if I decided to deplete my fluids for the good of man kind, but I don't think I will.So that's about it. I will post more soon. Enjoy.

Now here is something bloody and fun.

Confusing Japanese Cartoon Things

So occasionally I go on to wikipedia and look up random stuff when I am procrastinating. Today I am procrastinating on a story for my creative writing class. Any way I decided to look up stuff about Cartoon Network and the different shows that were on it. After having watched almost the entire marathon of The Powerepuff Girls last month I decide to type that in and check out how the show was created.Was I suprised to find out that the show has a Japanese spin-off that was made after the original show ended in 2003.It is called Powerpuff Girls Z and it is all fucked up.

I sat and watched clips because I didn't believe it was real and trust me it is all to real.They took a cartoon that was generally funny and enjoyable and turned it into a horrifying bastardized pile of Japanese weirdness.Craig McCraken,who has created some of my favorite animated shows like The Powerpuff Girls and Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, more than likely had no control over the decision to make a hyper-active seizure inducing mess of a show like this,but Cartoon Network did and for that I say shame on you.

Anyway if you want to check out the adventures of "Hyper Blossom","Rolling Bubles",and "Powered Buttercup" here is a link to the website.

http://www.tv-tokyo.co.jp/anime/ppgz/

If you wish to see the confusing and bizarre for the show here you go.



If you want to see a picture of a guy dressed up like Mojo Jojo with a Japanese Speed Racer look below.

B-MAr

BLAHG

Dumb as Fuck Snow Shenanigans.

Hello,hello everyone.Today I got to sleep in,but only for a few hours.That kinda sucked,but not as much as having to shovel a foot of snow off of the sidewalk with a plastic shovel.What should have taken about twenty minutes morphed into an hour and a half dumb fuck snow shenanigans.

My brother and I attempted to get all of the snow off the sidewalk in our back yard which wasn't a big deal.It need to be done so my dog could pee in an area that wouldn't swallow him beneath the icy depths of the backyard snow.We got that cleared away and started to remove the snow from the sidewalk and the little driveway that leads to the garage.The sidewalk snow wasn't bad, but the driveway snow was so thick that my mom couldn't get her car out of the garage to go to work.

We get the sidewalk pretty much cleared from the backdoor to the garage and then attempt to get the snow from the driveway.It's so thick that we get a lot cleared away only to discover that there is about another four or five inches of snow beneath that.My mom suggests that we walk down to my dads house to pick up his snow blower.Thinking this would be easy and quick we start to head down that way.I throw a big chunk of snow at Keegan who in turn gets pissed and starts chasing me through the thick mounds of snow that we have yet to clear.He catches up with me and I trip and fall into the snow.I hit at an angle that gets me good and stuck in the snow.As I tried to push myself up I slowly sink in even more as the snow gets packed down beneath my hands.

Keegan laughs and refuses to believe that I am really stuck in the snow.I keep asking him to help because the snow on my leg is freezing and starting to hurt pretty bad. As he walks across the street he loses the bottom of his boot.They were pretty old and were falling apart so I guess it was his karmic bitch slap for laughing at me as I sank deeper into the snow.

We eventually make it down to my dads and dig out the snow blower from the garage.It takes us about ten minutes to get it two blocks away to my house.The roads were so caked with snow that each pull of the snow blower would catch more snow beneath it and drag it down.I am starting to get irritated because A.) I hate winter and B.) My legs and feet are freezing on account of all the wet snow on my pants and shoes.

We get the thing home and finally clear off the driveway enough to get the car out.It takes us another ten to fifteen minutes to clear it and the rest of the sidewalk.Now I am worn out and I will probably nap and watch movies the rest of the day.First the room needs a good cleaning and then it is time for the wonderful world of Mr. Quentin Tarantino.

If you made it through this blog about snow then congratulations,you have less of a life than I do.Well goodbye children.

-Your Loving Uncle Daniel.

We All Go To Alaska When We Die

Another story I wrote for class.I don't like it very much, but it is okay.

We All Go To Alaska When We Die
Daniel Gauer

Blake sat on the bright yellow park bench with his camera in hand. He had been waiting there for sometime before she showed up. He watched her slowly walk away with her Yorkshire terrier leading the way at brisk pace. He had been watching her for weeks. He wasn’t doing it in a creepy or obsessive way. He frequented the park and she caught his eye. He didn’t know her name. He just knew that she walked her dog everyday at three. He thought she was beautiful and wanted to say something to her. Blake was shy though and didn’t know the proper way to introduce himself. He hoped that she would make some sort of attempt to make contact with him, but as far as he knew he was nonexistent to her.
Blake got up from the sunny bench and sat on the rim of the elaborate fountain across from it. He listened to it as water rushed out of the spout and was redistributed back into the basin. He stared off into the distance at the trees that had just started blossoming with pink and gold and lavender colored flowers. He lifted the camera up to his eye and snapped a picture of the cherry blossom tree closest to him. He continued to think about the girl. He though of how her brown hair glistened in the sunlight as she walked that tiny dog through the park. Blake questioned himself as to why he didn’t do anything. It was probably because he had been burned so many times before.
The last girl he dated was a zoo keeper named Julia. She was sweet and funny, but she was also sweet and funny to several other guys. He also had a problem with her smelling like an ocelot pin every time they went out, but that was neither here nor there. He was afraid to make a fool of himself by dating another Julia. Blake walked around the park thinking about how he could approach her without “A” making himself look like a creep and “B” seeming like a shy loser. He pondered this for awhile and eventually settled on not doing anything at all. He could never bring himself to walk up to a complete stranger and ask her out on a date point blank. He got bored at the park so he ended up going to his apartment where he thought about the girl the rest of the night.
Blake went back to the park the next day to take some pictures of the trees again. The photos he took the day before had come out bad and he wanted to retake some of them. The girl that had filled his dreams for the past few weeks briskly walked by him as he was taking a photo. She had managed to get in the picture just as he was taking it. She stopped as soon as she realized what she had just done. “I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to walk in front of you. My head has been in the clouds all day.”
Blake was excited although he tried not to show it on his face. He had an in with the girl of his dreams. “It’s alright,” said Blake as his throat slowly dried up, “it was an accident. No harm done. My name is Blake by the way.”
Blake stretched his hand out to shake hers. “My name’s Naomi,” she said grasping his hand quickly. His stomach started doing a copious amount of back flips inside him. He was in a perfect situation and now had the chance to ask this girl out on a date. He was so unsure about himself as to whether he should say anything to her. He knew nothing about Naomi. What if she had a boyfriend or what if she was training to be a nun and was forced to take a vow of chastity so as to become a “bride of Christ”? He was pretty sure that was not the case, but he was still extremely nervous. She started to make conversation and he was trying to be engaging and charming. He talked to her for a few minutes and knew he was in love. She seemed sweet and friendly but he had to be sure that she wasn’t going to turn out like the last one. He decided he would follow her home.
Blake realized that this could and probably would be considered stalking, but he had to know about the wonderful girl whose hair glistened in the sunlight. Naomi walked into an apartment building a few blocks away from his. She went up the stairs to apartment 333 on the third floor. Blake climbed the fire escape so he could find Naomi’s window. He managed to find it quickly and looked inside. The walls were decorated in bright colors and covered in posters from all of his favorite movies. She had a CD collection that was bigger than his and she had a brand new Cannon camera laying on her table and a stack of photos that she had taken. He felt like he had met his soul mate.
Blake saw her again later that week and got up the courage to ask her out on a date. She accepted and they planned to meet at the park for a picnic. Naomi brought the sandwiches and Blake grabbed the drinks. They had a great time and eventually started going out soon after that. Blake was extremely happy and didn’t know why he was so nervous about asking Naomi out. She was perfect and they slowly fell in love with each other. They got married and lived happily ever after… that is if Blake had actually said anything to her. In actuality when Blake reached his hand out to introduce himself he got so nervous that he passed out and hit his head so hard it put him in a coma. Naomi had been terrified by the situation and called an ambulance. Blake woke up from the coma very disappointed like he had just read a story that had no real way to end it.

The Adventures of David Bowie and Major Tom the Adorable Fox

This is another short story I did for the same creative writing class.It was supposed to be a fable, but it morphed into this weird story about David Bowie and a fox.Please to enjoy.




The Adventures of David Bowie and Major Tom the Adorable Fox
By Daniel Gauer (as told to him by David Bowie*)
*Not Really

One day David Bowie was walking through the forest. He was on his Ziggy Stardust tour when he stumbled upon an adorable fox. He looked at the fox and said, “Hello my name is David Bowie. I am a funky rock star. What is your name Mr. Fox?”
The fox gave David Bowie a strange look and then said, “My name is Major Tom.”
David Bowie looked surprised that the fox had actually responded. He assumed that the fox couldn’t talk, but he was pleasantly surprised when it did. David Bowie thought he would use the fox to his advantage. He decided to take the fox to his tour bus. Major Tom was excited. He had never been on an official rock icons tour bus. There was a brief period when Major Tom had hung out with Gary Glitter, but he felt like David Bowie was more influential in the long run.
David Bowie took Major Tom on tour with him. They traveled all across Europe and Asia and even parts of Canada. Major Tom was excited to visit all of the interesting countries. He especially liked Canada for their tasty maple syrup and hockey. Major Tom was living a good life. He really liked David Bowie, but he did have a problem with him. During his stage shows, David Bowie would bring Major Tom out on stage to help him perform “Space Oddity.” The fox frequently messed up the lyrics he read off of sheet of paper. This would not have been a problem if Major Tom could read. Although he was a fox who had been given the power of speech, he could not read and had a terrible memory for things like songs.
David Bowie would give Major Tom the lyrics every night and try to teach him how to read. David Bowie was a terrible teacher though and couldn’t figure out how to teach Major Tom to read. David Bowie would look at him and say things like, “You need to make some ch-ch-changes in the way you learn. I can’t teach you how to read Major Tom. Maybe you should call a jean genie to grant you the wish of literacy. I am tired of teaching you because you are nothing, but a stupid fox.”
Major Tom was quite upset with David Bowie after that. He hated the way David Bowie treated him. It wasn’t his fault that he couldn’t read. Just because he was a fox with the power of speech didn’t automatically give him the ability to read. David Bowie continued to mistreat Major Tom. Major Tom decided to show David Bowie how he felt. The fox came up with a plan to teach David Bowie a lesson. He would write a song in his native fox language, which was hard to understand for those who couldn’t speak it, and then make David Bowie sing it. When David Bowie couldn’t read it, Major Tom would yell at him and cause David Bowie to realize how he felt.
Major Tom set out to work writing a song about things that a fox likes. He wrote about eating rabbits and living in holes and listening to NPR. Major Tom finished the song and went to David Bowie with it. David Bowie took a look at the paper and said, “What is this funky mess you have scribbled on this paper?”
Major Tom looked David Bowie straight in the eye and said, “Why this is a song I have written in my native fox tongue. I can teach you how to read it so you can learn it. It will be a great hit if you record it. You will make so much money you won’t know what to do with it.”
David Bowie was intrigued. He was not sure if Major Tom was telling the truth though because the paper looked like it was just scribbled on with a pencil and covered in spit and bite marks. David Bowie decided to give Major Tom the benefit of the doubt. He would let Major Tom teach him how to read fox. Major Tom was excited how well his plan was going. Pretty soon David Bowie would learn what it felt like to be mocked for not being able to read.
David Bowie sat down with Major Tom on his tour bus and began his lesson. David Bowie had a hard time reading what Major Tom had written. Frankly it was just a bunch of illegible squiggles, but Major Tom made David Bowie sit on the bus until he mastered the words. David Bowie couldn’t do it. “I’m sorry man; I just can’t read this freaky writing. Can foxes even use pencils?” David Bowie asked with a look of puzzlement and frustration on his face. Major Tom looked up at David Bowie and started to yell. David Bowie got very upset and started to cry.
“Now you know how I feel every time you yell at me for not being able to read your stupid words,” said Major Tom.
“I am so sorry Major Tom. I should have treated you the way I would like to be treated. That was very unfunky of me and I apologize,” David Bowie said in a meaningful voice. Major Tom accepted his apology and they remained friends for the rest of their lives. Major Tom didn’t tour with David Bowie after that night. He went on to perform with Parliament Funkadelic and became best friends with Bootsy Collins and George Clinton.
David Bowie learned an important lesson from Major Tom that day and from then on has been a wonderfully kind man. Major Tom showed him that we all need to treat each other with respect. Major Tom also showed him that foxes can’t use pencils, but that message was slightly less important.
THE END.